NOTE FROM THE WRITERS: This article was originally written in March 2020, prior to quarantine. We’re publishing a slightly updated version now to reminisce on our time with the East water fountains before they were ripped away from us. Since it’s a year old, some of the student testimonials in the article are from the class of 2020. Although we no longer have access to most of these fountains, we hope you enjoy this trip down memory lane! -Julie Rostock and Kylie Hechinger

If you’re reading this, you’ve likely encountered an East water fountain or two in your time here. Maybe you have a favorite water fountain that you know can always deliver you cool, fresh water at any time of the day, or maybe you hop from fountain to fountain, experiencing all of the tastes and temperatures that the East water fountains have to offer. Regardless of your level of fountain expertise, whether you’re a Senior Sipper or a Fountain Freshman, we’re here to offer you a comprehensive guide to East’s water fountains. Below you’ll find a detailed review of each fountain with student and teacher testimonials. The water fountains are rated from 0 to 10, but “none of them get a perfect 10/10 because nobody’s perfect” (Bonds). Enjoy!

Main First Floor

Frankly, it’s slim pickings on the first floor. There’s one fountain down here that works in a pinch, but if you’re looking for some good water, we recommend going up a level or two.

Near the first floor girls’ bathroom: 7/10

This one is promising, but not amazing. The temperature is lovely but the taste is metallic, unfortunately. We’ll add extra points for the experience because former Norse Code members smile down upon you as you drink.

Outside of the nurse’s office: 4/10

The water from this fountain is warm and somehow mushy. The experience reminded us of the era around 2016 when every kid had a slime-making business.

Near room 106: 3/10

This fountain is dangerously misleading. It’s shiny and has a very nice water flow, but the water tastes… not very good. We don’t recommend this one.

Near the staircase leading down from the cafeteria: 2.5/10

Something about this fountain is rude. It sprays water all over the place, it’s warm, and it tastes awful. The experience suggests that the fountain itself holds some kind of longstanding grudge against the student body.

Cafeteria and Auditorium

Ah, the cafeteria. Home of fine cuisine like the nacho station, mac and cheese pizza, and the pasta bar. While the water fountains in this area aren’t the best in the school, they offer a decent option if you’re looking to accompany your meal with a nice drink of water.

In the cafeteria near the boys’ bathroom: 8/10

The button on this water fountain is broken, but don’t let that deceive you. The water from this fountain is elite: very cold, nice taste, smooth flow. Somehow the water tastes like adrenaline. Student Testimonial: Patrick Tran (‘23) and Daniel Cheng (‘23) agree that this is their favorite fountain in school.

Shorter fountain in the auditorium lobby: 7/10

This fountain is young and spry. It starts up quickly and delivers delicious water at a reasonable temperature. Given its close proximity to the elite vending machines, it’s a very viable option if you’re willing to endure the theatre kids as they rehearse. Student Testimonial: Shefali Maurya (‘22) calls this her favorite fountain at East because it always works.

In the cafeteria near the girls’ bathroom: 6/10

By all rational standards, you should not drink from this fountain. It splatters, the water is warm, and the taste isn’t technically good. Still, we won’t warn against drinking from this fountain, because it’s a comforting experience. To put it simply, this water fountain tastes like home.

Taller fountain in the auditorium lobby: 3/10

This fountain is elderly. The water flow starts out strong but gives up after a few seconds, and has to work really hard to get the water out. You can hear the pipes wheezing and rattling as the fountain struggles. The water is cold like a grandmother’s hand and tastes vaguely of the cinnamon candies that senior citizens keep in jars in their kitchens, but the experience is ruined by the pervasive sense that you’re causing this fountain extreme pain. We recommend bending a little further down to drink from the neighboring grandchild fountain.

Gym Wing

In terms of demand, these are the most important water fountains in the school. They offer hydration to Phys Ed students and student athletes in the moments when they need it most. The quality of these fountains is varied, making it dangerous to choose a water fountain at random. With the help of our guide, if you choose the right water fountain, you should be fine.

Under the elephant in the Child Dev hallway: 8/10 (Fifth Place!)

The experience of drinking at this fountain is wonderful. It offers the thickest, most generous water flow in the school, and the water is very cold. The taste is mediocre and the water splatters sometimes, but in the words of Mr. Patt, we like this fountain because we get to look at the elephant while we drink. Student Testimonial: This is Srihan Basvapatri(‘22)’s favorite water fountain.

Taller fountain in the girls’ locker room: 7.5/10

Don’t get us wrong: this is a good water fountain. The water makes a nice sound when it comes out, and it tastes sweet, which would usually be upsetting but somehow works here. But allow us to suggest that this fountain might be a little overrated. Sure, when you’ve just finished sports practice or a particularly grueling gym class, any water is great water, but try tasting this water when you’re just strolling around the school. It’s not that good. Student Testimonial: Siri Harish (‘20) and Eleana Rudderow (‘22) both say this is their favorite water fountain.

Taller fountain in the gym lobby: 7/10

This is the perfect post-gym water fountain. It’s nice and cold with a good flow of water. The only con is the slightly bitter aftertaste, but that’s mostly made up for by the perfectly positioned mirror to your right. You’re telling me I can get a drink of water and smooth down my disheveled post-gym hair all at once? Score! Student Testimonial: Ryan Dow (‘22) and Chase Latyak (‘22) both say this is the perfect fountain to quench one’s thirst after gym class.

Weight room: 6.5/10

To be fair, we didn’t get a chance to try this fountain firsthand, but from what we’ve heard, it’s pretty good. It’s apparently the coldest fountain in the school, but the subpar flow of water and the sweaty environment docks it a few points. Still, it’s a good option. Student Testimonial: This is Jenny Rafter(‘22)’s favorite fountain in the school.

Shorter fountain in the gym lobby: 5/10

This fountain is exactly the same as the one to its right, except without all the good parts. You have to bend down farther, you don’t get the same easy access to the mirror, and you have to be in closer proximity to the giant banner of the wrestling boys (this is a major problem). Bring two of your friends to the gym lobby for some water and observe: whoever gravitates towards the taller, better fountain is the alpha.

Boys’ locker room: 2/10

We’re a little uneducated about this particular fountain, for obvious reasons. From what we’ve heard, it’s not great. Do yourself a favor and visit the gym lobby fountains instead.

Shorter fountain in the girls’ locker room: .5/10 (Third-to-Last Place)

This fountain is really bad. Sure, it doesn’t work at all, but the fact that it’s directly next to a fountain that does work makes it worse. Imagine this: you’re standing in a long line to drink at the taller fountain, and you notice that there is not a single person anywhere near the shorter fountain. You take a step to your left, lean over the shorter fountain, and hold down the button, but nothing comes out. You can’t pretend that didn’t just happen. Everyone saw you try and fail to drink out of the smaller fountain. You are the laughing stock of the girls’ locker room, and, before long, the entire school. It is our professional recommendation that this fountain be torn out of the wall immediately.

Second Floor

Buckle up, folks, because we’re officially entering Good Fountain Territory. You can find two great fountains on the second floor and one mediocre fountain. Yes, there’s one bad fountain, but the worst it’ll do is disappoint you when it fails to produce any water. If you have classes on the second floor, it’s safe to say you can stay hydrated all day.

Outside of room B208: 9/10 (Third Place!)

Oh man. This is a really good fountain. The temperature is exquisite, the taste is delicious, and the water flow is smooth as can be. We’re holding out on giving this one a perfect score because there’s some even more delicious water in store upstairs, but this is a nearly perfect fountain. Student Testimonial: This is Claire Chen(‘22)’s favorite water fountain, and it used to be Julie Rostock(‘22)’s favorite too, before she discovered the joys of the third floor ramp fountain.

Near the ramp: 8.5/10 (Fourth Place!)

This fountain is phenomenal. The temperature is wonderful, and the flow of water is perfect. The only reason this fountain isn’t perfect is that, like so many other fountains in the school, this particular fountain has a slightly metallic taste. Overall, this is an excellent water fountain. Student Testimonial: This is Julia Martin(‘21)’s favorite water fountain.

Outside of room 220: 4/10

The only word we can use to describe this fountain is decent. The water flow is decent, the temperature is decent, and the taste is decent. Actually, the taste is less than decent: the water tastes like a swimming lesson at the YMCA pool.

Outside of room 206: 1/10 (Fifth-to-Last Place)

This fountain does not work. It is impossible to drink from. But it’s far better than some of the other fountains in this school because, at the very least, it tries a little bit. The general vibe surrounding this water fountain is that it wouldn’t be good, so at least it was decent enough not to subject us to drinking its water. Failing to drink from this water fountain is neither humiliating nor disgusting, so we’re going to have to place it towards the top of our list of horrible fountains.

Music and Science Wings

Everything about the 2½ floor rewards dehydration. We’ve got science classes that don’t allow you to drink, music classes that aren’t conducive to drinking enough water, and an upsetting lack of water fountains. Three of the five fountains on this floor are not open to the average passerby, and two of those fountains are horrible anyway. Unless you have the privilege of being a chorus student, go somewhere else for water.

Chorus room: 9/10 (Second Place!)

No surprise here. This fountain is exquisite: the water is delicious, it’s cold, and the fountain is positioned as a comfortable independent unit (which, as you’ll soon see, is unusual for a music room). Even back at Fugett, the chorus kids had access to an elite water fountain that was hidden away from the general public. It really speaks to the unmatched privilege that these students have had since the moment they stepped foot into this building.

Outside room 234: 5/10

This fountain is decidedly average. The temperature is not the worst but it’s far from good, and the taste is just… meh. It’s basically in the link, which can be either a good or a bad thing, depending on your mood. If you’re desperately in need of water, try this fountain, but if you’re in search of something delicious, we recommend taking the link somewhere better.

Near the rear entrance to the library: 1/10 (Fourth-to-Last Place)

Situated in the armpit of the school, this fountain unsurprisingly tastes like sweat and the water is warm. The water flow looks good, but the sound it makes is like when your dad is using the bathroom and you can hear it. Stay far away from this fountain.

Band room: .5/10 (Second-to-Last Place)

This one is bad. Technically, the water itself isn’t that horrible, but when we visited, Kylie refused to drink from the fountain because of the upsetting, chicken-like substance that covered the basin of the sink. Did we mention that this fountain is part of a sink? Which one of you band kids dumped chicken in the sink? What made you think that was okay?

Orchestra room: 0/10 (Last Place)

Here we have it: the worst water fountain in the school. The water that comes from this fountain literally tastes like the aftertaste in your mouth after you throw up. It also has a dusty texture, like the water is sourced from the depths of a shadowy cavern. Oh, and this fountain is also part of a sink, except this sink is… underneath a cabinet? And you have to duck your head under the cabinet to get to the water? Is this really how we treat orchestra kids at our school? To anyone who would suggest that our opinion on this matter is biased, we implore you to take a trip to the orchestra room and taste the water for yourself, if you dare. But for anyone else, please heed our advice: stay far, far away from this water fountain.

Third Floor

Once you’ve trekked up two flights of stairs, you deserve some good water. The third floor has the honor and privilege of holding the best water fountain in the school. There are some other, riskier fountains up here, but with our guidance, you can experience an excellent drink of water. Do yourself a favor and take the ramp.

Outside of the ramp: 9.5/10 (First Place!)

Finally, we’ve arrived at the best water fountain at East. The water that comes out of this fountain can only be described as fine cuisine. It’s cold but not too cold, and the taste is indescribable. The button is broken, but please don’t let that stop you: all the best things in life take work. Do yourself a favor and take a drink from this fountain. It’ll change your life. Student/Teacher Testimonial: Lia Fourakis (‘20), Julie Rostock (‘22), and Mrs. Duli both say this is their favorite fountain. They have good taste.

Outside of room 311: 7/10

This fountain is nice. The water is cold, the flow is good, and the taste is mostly good with a bit of metallic flavor. It’s a solid option.

Near the NHS mural and the boys’ bathroom: 2/10

Despite being in the art wing, this fountain is far from a work of art. The water is warm, the flow is not great, and the taste is disgusting. If you’re on the third floor anyway, take a trip down the hallway to experience what a water fountain should be like. Student Testimonial: This is AJ Avagliano(‘20)’s favorite water fountain. He was distraught to hear our review.

Outside of room 327: 1.5/10

This fountain is a nightmare. Barely any water comes out, and the water that the fountain does give you is abysmal. The taste is like licking a rock, and the temperature is that of a puddle in the summer. This water fountain used to literally be taped off with police tape, and to be honest, it should have stayed that way.