The Oscars were this Sunday, March 12th at 8:00 pm EDT. In preparation, I was going to watch all of the Oscar-nominated movies and give you guys some movie reviews. Unfortunately, I ended up not watching all of them because I just don’t have the time for that. One thing I do always have time for though is to give my unasked-for opinions. Thus, instead of writing some high-quality reviews, I’ll be judging Oscar-nominated movies purely on their names and plots (copy and pasted from IMDB). If you don’t agree with my ratings, that sounds like a you problem (so get better taste).

Best Picture Nominees:

All Quiet on the Western Front

Summary: “The story follows teenagers Paul Bäumer and his friends Albert and Müller, who voluntarily enlist in the German army, riding a wave of patriotic fervor that quickly dissipates once they face the brutal realities of life on the front.”

My judging: First off, I think the title is pretty basic. I feel like I’ve heard that phrase 1,000 times, so the movie title could definitely use some spice. The plot also feels a little overdone. Saving Private Ryan did the same thing (just set in WWII), so what makes this movie anything special? I did love Saving Private Ryan though, so I’ll give this movie some bonus points.

Rating: 6/10

Avatar: The Way of Water

Summary: “Jake Sully lives with his newfound family formed on the extrasolar moon Pandora. Once a familiar threat returns to finish what was previously started, Jake must work with Neytiri and the army of the Na'vi race to protect their home.”

My judging: I’m gonna be honest, I haven’t seen the first movie and I have no inclination to do so. There’s something about movies that get a lot of hype that concerns me. Also, I work at a movie theater and this movie has been playing since December. I don’t like to work at my job and this movie has caused me unneeded stress. Like guys, do you really need our overpriced salty popcorn right now? Plus, we all know the best Avatar is Avatar: The Last Airbender

Rating: 3/10

The Banshees of Inisherin

Summary: “Set on a remote island off the west coast of Ireland, the movie follows lifelong friends Padraic and Colm, who find themselves at an impasse when Colm unexpectedly puts an end to their friendship.”

My judging: I lowkey love everything about this movie. I just watched it last night, and I live for the movie’s aesthetic. It has the perfect blend of humor and personality. Honestly, I don’t have many other thoughts except that this one is definitely in my Oscar top three, and you should watch this so we can cry together.

Rating: 10/10

Elvis

Summary: “The story delves into the complex dynamic between Presley and Parker spanning over 20 years, from Presley's rise to fame to his unprecedented stardom, against the backdrop of the evolving cultural landscape and loss of innocence in America.”

My judging: Elvis Presley has some good songs, but I’m not really sure if a movie about him was needed. Overall, there seems to be an increase in celebrity biopics. They are supposed to be interesting, but they just leave me wondering what the point was (we already know you guys are sad rich people, chill). Also, Austin Butler as Elvis scares me. Not to be mean or anything, but why does he have to look like that?

Rating: 4/10

Everything Everywhere All At Once

Summary: “A middle-aged Chinese immigrant is swept up into an insane adventure in which she alone can save existence by exploring other universes and connecting with the lives she could have led.”

My judging: I actually watched this one, and it was amazing. Like 5 stars and a heart on Letterboxd amazing. In fact, I cried during this one, so you know it’s gotta be good. I also thought the plot and overall vibe of the movie were unique, which I absolutely loved. This movie has the highest chance of winning the Oscar according to my very expert opinion.

Rating: 10/10

The Fabelmans

Summary: “Growing up in post-World War II era Arizona, young Sammy Fabelman aspires to become a filmmaker as he reaches adolescence, but soon discovers a shattering family secret and explores how the power of films can help him see the truth.”

My judging: I’m not 100% sold on this movie, but I think it has potential. The plot seems to be pretty unusual and I love films about films. It’s also directed by Steven Spielberg, so I’m sure the cinematography will look great. Still, I have this gut feeling that it isn’t going to win Best Picture.

Rating: 8/10

Tár

Summary: “Set in the international world of Western classical music, the film centers on Lydia Tár, widely considered one of the greatest living composer-conductors and the very first female director of a major German orchestra.”

My judging: I’m all for female empowerment, so this movie sounds really interesting and different from the usual biopics about white dudes. However, I’m not big on classical music. Once, my mom took me to an organ performance and I fell asleep, so I don’t think this movie would be my cup of tea. I’ll give it an extra point though because it’s Women’s History Month.

Rating: 5/10

Top Gun: Maverick

Summary: “After thirty years, Maverick is still pushing the envelope as a top naval aviator, but must confront ghosts of his past when he leads Top Gun's elite graduates on a mission that demands the ultimate sacrifice from those chosen to fly it.”

My judging: Don’t come at me, but I’m not a fan of this whole military thing. I’m sure this movie is just supposed to be a fun little action flick, but I read that the first Top Gun caused recruitment rates in the Navy to increase by 500%. No movie should be able to have too much power, especially the power to make people work for the government (ew). Also, Tom Cruise is in this, and Tom Cruise greatly concerns me.

Rating: 2/10

Triangle of Sadness

Summary: “A fashion model celebrity couple join an eventful cruise for the super-rich.”

My judging: I actually watched this movie, and it was super good. The structure of this film was intriguing and the way this movie was filmed is just gorgeous. I don’t think it will win the Oscar because it had a couple of silly gags that the snobby awards people probably wouldn’t like. Still, I think it’s definitely in the top three best Oscar nominees.

Rating: 9/10

Women Talking

Summary: “The movie follows the women of an isolated & ultraconservative community who take it upon themselves to decide the course of their future in the wake of a shattering revelation which compels them to reconcile their faith with their violent reality.”

My judging: On the one hand this movie touches on religion, which isn’t my usual cup of tea. But on the other hand, it also is about women coming forward with their stories, which sounds like an interesting plot. Although the title of the movie pretty much explains the plot, I kind of like it. I think it’s a fitting name, and I’d definitely want to watch this one.

Rating: 8/10

Other Nominees I’d Like to Judge:

Babylon (Production Design)

Summary: “A tale of outsized ambition and outrageous excess, it traces the rise and fall of multiple characters during an era of unbridled decadence and depravity in early Hollywood.”

My judging: I’m gonna be really biased with this film because Margot Robbie is in it. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m the biggest Margot Robbie fangirl. Even though this movie is three hours long, I have a feeling that it will be amazing. Margot Robbie is too much of an icon to be in a bad movie (just pretend that Amsterdam and Peter Rabbit don’t exist).

Rating: 10/10

My Year of Dicks (Animated Short Film)

Summary: “An imaginative fifteen-year-old is stubbornly determined to lose her virginity despite the pathetic pickings in the outskirts of Houston in the early 90's.”

My judging: I lowkey picked this film because it has a funny name. It also has a very silly plot that seems interesting to me. I love animations and super goofy plots, so this sounds like the perfect movie.

Rating: 9/10

Aftersun (Actor in a Leading Role)

Summary: “Sophie reflects on the shared joy and private melancholy of a holiday she took with her father twenty years earlier.”

My judging: I actually watched Aftersun already, and I absolutely loved it. In fact, I put this on the list because I just want more people to watch it and discuss it with me. This movie has an incredible vibe, but it’s very different from traditional movies. My mom didn’t like that it was unique and had next to no plot, but I think it was beautiful.

Rating: 10/10

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On (Animated Feature Film)

Summary: “Marcel is an adorable, 1-inch-tall shell who ekes out a colorful existence with his grandmother, Connie, and their pet lint, Alan. Once part of a sprawling community of shells, they now live alone as the sole survivors of a mysterious tragedy.”

My judging: This movie is going to be amazing, I just know it. It’s a claymation about a shell, there’s no way this will be bad. Honestly, Marcel The Shell With Shoes On just speaks to me on many levels. If this doesn’t win the Oscar, I’ll be real mad.*

Rating: 10/10

*Update: Marcel did not win the Oscar, and I'm very mad.