‘Tis the season for all things scary, so you know what that means? You all have to decorate your houses! Halloween decorations are an absolute necessity from the months of September to October. If you aren’t decorating, you’re missing out on some of the coolest home decor on the market (and by coolest, I mean most ridiculous). Every year Spirit Halloween and Stores™ roll out some of the weirdest new products to help prep your house for the holidays. Don’t know where to start? Don’t worry! I have plenty of advice for those looking to have a little more Halloween spirit. And, if you don’t want the advice, I’m gonna give it to you anyway as promised by the title of this article. So, since literally no one asked, I present to you the best (and worst) Halloween decorations!
1. Lewis
Most of you have probably already heard of Lewis. If you haven’t, are you even living? He’s (probably) the first pumpkin decoration to have an official name and a respected figure in the Halloween decoration community. With his famous catchphrase, “I am not a jack-o'-lantern. My name is Lewis,” he is showing one customer at a time that he is more than just another pumpkin head. He’s paving the way for future Halloween decorations to be seen as more than what monster or seasonal fruit they resemble. Soon enough, we won’t just have Lewis. We’ll have Lucy and Bob and John James Edward Stuart the Third. Lewis humanizes Halloween decorations in a way we’ve never seen before, and you can join his cause for just one payment of $180.00. If that’s not in your budget, you can adopt Lewis Jr. for a small fee of $10.00. He hasn’t learned to talk yet, but I’m sure he’ll figure it out eventually.
2. The Twelve-Foot Home Depot Skeleton
This one is a classic and no home is complete without a giant skeleton taking up space on the front lawn. What strikes dread into the hearts of unfortunate passersby better than an unreasonably large stack of bones looming over them? There’s nothing better during the Halloween season than taking advantage of humanity’s natural megalophobia resulting from the relatively small size and fragile physiques of our species! Not to mention, the Home Depot Skeleton is a versatile decoration that can be applied to holidays year-round. You can convert him to a giant Santa for Christmas or you can construct a jumbo-sized Cupid bow for Valentine’s Day. The possibilities are endless! Why exactly Home Depot felt the need to make an absurdly tall skeleton, I’m not entirely sure, but the world is all the better for it. You can get your own skeleton for a reasonable price of $299.00.
3. Those Creepy Babies They Sell at Spirit Halloween
Do these have an official name? Doesn’t matter. “Creepy Babies” is good enough.
These are, in my professional opinion, an underrated Halloween decoration. They’re weird, they’re creepy, and they have so much variety. What more could you ask for? You can get vampires, zombies, and devil children. Some come with special features, such as adorable glowing red eyes. Even monster children deserve loving, happy homes, so consider adopting one for the Halloween season. Don’t you want a family photo album with your baby sinking her teeth into a dead rat or laughing demonically as he summons an omen of your untimely death? Sounds precious. If you’re looking for a slightly grotesque addition to your happy family, you can welcome a monster baby for just $44.99. They also come in keychain versions!
4. Candy Bowls with Mechanical Hands
If you use one of these, I hate you. You’re genuinely the worst kind of person. The decoration succeeds in its goal, meaning that it definitely is scary. I’m sure most of you have memories of being traumatized as a child when you were suddenly and violently grabbed while trying to enjoy a piece of candy. Halloween is all about traumatizing children, so I don’t have a problem with that. My problem is that I have to touch the hand. The same hand that has been grabbing children’s sticky, germ-covered fingers all night. No, thank you. I just want to be able to get my candy without a side of saliva or boogers or flesh-eating bacteria. If you want to scare people by having something pounce on them, then get one of those jumping spiders. Those are great. I love those. Or, even better, get in a costume and do it yourself. Just keep that crusty silicon hand away from me.
5. Hugz the Clown
He ATE (even though he probably eats children for breakfast)! Hugz was one of the many clown animatronics rolled out by Spirit Halloween, and he’s my personal favorite. The poor guy isn’t evil. He’s just starved for attention and searching for a free hug from a generous stranger. Alas, he’s a bit fragile, so, if you try to actually hug him, his hand might fall off (I’m definitely not speaking from experience here). Hugz just can’t catch a break, and, to make matters worse, Spirit Halloween ceased to sell him in stores. They discontinued him! Before he could even get his hug! This treatment is unacceptable and Hugz deserves much better. You can still find Hugz on online resell sites if you want to rectify the various wrongs committed against him. You can also adopt a tiny Hugz from Spirit for the small price of $29.99. Help make one clown’s Halloween just a little bit better!
6. Decorative Gourds
This is not an exclusively Halloween decoration, but it can still be used for any Autumn holiday. I’m not going to say much about this. There’s another article that explains the appeal of decorative gourds much better than I ever could on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. I won’t link it here because I believe it would be firmly against the WCASD internet use policy, and I don’t want to get fired from the newspaper. Look it up on your own time and on your own device.
That’s all I’ve got for you all. Decorate your houses! Don’t be boring! And feel free to take my absolutely unsolicited advice.
Happy Halloween!
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