Introduction
“ Hey guys, I have this crazy, cool idea for a totally wicked, sick prank we could pull! What if (stick with me here) we went into one of the boy’s bathrooms (oh my god this is gonna be so hilarious) and we just took our pencils (oh my gosh I’m giggling just thinking about it) and we just like carved (*snickering noises*) racial slurs into the walls of the stalls (*hysterical laughter*)! Isn’t that such a fantastic idea? I’m sure people will think we’re so cool, right? I’m positive that people will look at the fantastic things that we’ve taken the time to chisel permanently into the walls of the third-floor boy’s restroom and think “wow, whoever put that there must have been one tubular fella! Man, I sure would love to be friends with that guy!” Wait a minute, what’s that? That’s already been done before? The stalls are already covered in n-words? Wait, what if we drew male genitalia instead? Wait- that’s been done too? Calling my friends gay? Writing random people’s names? Other random potty words? It’s all been done? What?”
Is this you? Do you find yourself struggling with the insatiable urge to deface school property every time you have to use the potty? More importantly, though, are you finding yourself hard-pressed to come up with new concepts for things to etch upon the walls whenever you leave class to vape?
Well, look no further, because I have compiled Yarrick’s Fantastic Ideas for new and original things that you can carefully sculpt into the palisades of whatever bathroom you choose. These concepts will be entirely unheard of and will make you the talk of the town. Kids will be galloping through the halls of East High School shouting praises loud and proud about the new original installation that appeared in the second-floor boy’s lavatory (a British word for bathroom) courtesy of East’s resident bathroom artist. Immediately, a rambunctious, worshiping horde will surge to said bathroom to bask in the glory of the school’s newest artistic masterpiece.
Feel the power flow through your veins! Relish in that surge of dopamine! Embrace the ecstasy! Your mind is no longer your own! Join the HIVE!
Number 1: Draw a photo-realistic picture of yourself
One thing that you might notice upon entry into a men’s bathroom at East is a distinct lack of character. A solution to this I would like to propose could be some carvings of the beautiful faces of East High School’s very own male population.
Besides being just a fantastic way to flex your drawing abilities, the benefits of drawing a picture of your own face on a stall are numerous. For one thing, this will give you immense power over the rest of the male student body and will ensure that everyone in the hallways will be able to recognize you on sight. Furthermore, you will instantly gain some very cool and respectful, and definitely-not-negative nicknames such as “Bathroom Barry” and “Toilet Licker Tom”.
Of course, this strategy will only work if your art abilities are up to the task of generating photorealism so, if you’re like most boring and uninteresting people and can’t draw faces all that well, you should stop by some of East High School’s very own art classes. After careful deliberation and debate with the one and only Mrs. Maurer (one of the many talented and qualified art teachers at East), I’ve managed to determine that the bare minimum amount of classes for you to take to get your art skills to the right level would be two: both Studio Art One and Two.
See, easy as that! Two classes and you’re there! Important to note here though, is that Mrs. Maurer did stress that you would need to put in quite a bit of effort and work into your progress in order to achieve photorealistic art by the end of Studio Art Two, so I’d best not catch you slacking.
Number 2: Poetry.
Consider some of the greatest poets the world has ever seen: William Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Maya Angelou. Obviously these people are vastly different in terms of time period, lyrical style, rhyme scheme, tamper, and all the other fancy poetry-related terms I know, but they do have one thing in common: they got their start in the poetry world by writing on bathroom stalls.
Don’t believe me?
Just take a gander at all of their Wikipedia pages and don’t feel the need to look this up yourself; I decided to save you the burden and just screenshot them for you.
Notice anything? How interesting to know that so many famous and successful poets all got their starts through such humble means! Building on that, some of history’s best works have often come from humble or unexpected places! So why not try out your hand?
For those unfamiliar with poetry, here are some easy types of poems, along with the ways they’re structured and an example or two for each:
The Haiku
A Japanese style of short-form poetry characterized by effective word usage and hidden meanings. Haikus are three lines, the first and last of which have five syllables, whereas the middle line has seven syllables.
Here are some examples of haikus ~
The Millipede by Yarrick Dillard
Big bug in my room I kidnap him in a jar Now he lives outside.
Oliver by Yarrick Dillard
Oliver big dog Oliver not a small dog Oliver very big.
The Acrostic Poem
Acrostic poems are a very fun and simple type of poem. Pretty much the only rule here is that the poem must spell out a word using the first letter of every line. Give it a try!
Goofy by Yarrick Dillard
He’s coming. You will never have time to hide. Unseen movements and Calloused hands. Killing him is impossible, your time is up.
Hawkeye by Yarrick Dillard
Hawkeye is the hottest Avenger; An indisputable fact. With eyes of brown and Knees of white, Everyone should stop undervaluing him. You are stupid if you don’t like him. Everyone please stop it’s hurting my feelings.
Limerick
Limericks are poems that follow the rhyme scheme of AABBA (not to be confused with the Swedish band ABBA) meaning that the last word of the first, second, and the fifth line should rhyme and the third and fourth lines should rhyme with one another. Limericks are meant to be comedic in nature and so the last line should be the punchline of the joke.
Gender by Yarrick Dillard
Gender is a big old scam. Fabricated by the people who make women’s pants. Because if women's pants aren’t made with pockets of any sort, Women won’t have anywhere to put their passports. And then purse companies can sell more purses and go ham.
Number 3: Mice on Leaves
Oh, but to be a mouse, perched carefully on top of a delicate green leaf, peeking out carefully, looking for yummy snacks and friends, smelling the sweet scent of nature carried on the wind, and enjoying my bird’s eye view of the world around me. Ah if I could just be that carefree…
Mice on leaves baby! Truly, nothing else can compare. Even if it’s not actual graffiti but a picture in a frame on the wall, I still want to see more pictures of mice on leaves in the bathrooms. They just have such a calming presence that I have a good feeling that the number of bathroom fights would go down by a good seventy-five percent (statistic unverified).
Concluding thoughts
The kids of today will start their life of crime with small acts of rebellion like writing on a desk with a pencil or drawing on a bathroom stall with a sharpie, things that seem harmless enough, but these first acts of indecency will actually propel them down a sharp and spiraling slope that will gradually grow worse as time progresses and could possibly end fatally or (even worse) put them at the hands of the American judicial system.
The lesson to be learned from all this? Don’t write stupid stuff on the walls in the bathrooms. I don’t want to have to look at a primitive collage of racist epithets and misshapen genitalia each time I enter the restroom.
So don’t graffiti the bathrooms. Or do. I honestly don’t really care all that much. But if you are, make sure you follow the advice of Thumper from Bambi:
“If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all.”
Big Thumps to B-Money.
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