Feet: An Evaluation Of Our Greatest Enemy

Every part of our body is necessary. Every part of our body is decent-looking. There's truly a minimal level of requirements to deeming a piece of anatomy acceptable. A limb must function and be pleasing to the eye to serve as a limb. But, there's one piece of our bones and flesh that has made itself known to be abhorrent and just simply the worst.

Webmd.com has stated that “feet are flexible structures of bones, joints, muscles, and soft tissues that let us stand upright and perform activities like walking, running, and jumping”. In this sense, feet are extremely useful. However, they lack beauty - one of the major requirements to be a body part. If one pursues the wide variety of feet that the world has to offer, one will realize that feet are not all that they’re cracked out to be. They’re ugly and wack. They’re giant slabs of flesh with short sausage stubs on the ends. They're not even equal stubs. Why do we need a big toe? Why can't all of the toes just be the same? The big toe is egregiously disproportionate to the rest of the toes, and the nail sizes are just horrible. The questionably small toenail sizes don't allow you to get a good coat of nail polish on them without ruining the skin around the nail. If you think about it, feet can only be comparable to a misshapen lump of clay (no hate to clay).

Furthermore, evolutionary-wise, why did we have to settle for the way feet look? We could have webbed feet or hooves, right? Yet, feet are just in the middle of land-dwelling and water-inhabiting. Because of this compromise, feet are so terrible to see.

To be honest, humans should just have hooves. They're so much better, and they make sense. If human feet are the result of evolution and humans need to walk on land, why can't we just have hooves? Plus, what are toes even for, to grip the ground? That's what gravity's for. Have you seen hooves? They're so much more pleasant. They grip the ground, are hard and sturdy, and have a good look. You can paint and decorate them in any type of way. And if you don't like the nail color, you can just chip off the nail.

If humans need to swim in the water, we can develop some sort of hoof gear that looks like webbed feet. We already do that now. It’s not like humans can stay in the water for a long period of time, they just wrinkle and prune. And if we were to run on the ground with our bare feet for long, we would develop bunions, blisters, and toe fungus, which just aid in the grotesque view. Truly and honestly, what are our current feet good for? They’re not durable and serve to be a disappointing tool. I bet hooves would never hurt, not in the way that feet do once you’ve been walking for a few miles. Hooves are durable, sturdy, and good for fighting with if one needs to defend themselves.

Looking at the alternative option to feet, hooves are easy to maintain. They're one giant nail on the bottom of your limb. It wouldn't hurt to cut off a piece or to shave down a slice or two. Unlike hooves, feet are so difficult to maintain. You have to wash your feet all the time, wear shoes, and cut your toenails. If we had hooves, we could just walk around barefoot. Not only that, but it would also make a satisfying clicking sound whenever we walked. Nobody could sneak up from behind you because you would always hear them. They would make assassination attempts so much lousier. Crime rates would most likely fall by 99%.

At the end of the day, what I'm trying to say is that feet suck, and hooves would be a much better replacement. There are quite frankly no downfalls to having hooves. Imagine the life you could have with them. I hope the coming generations can realize what a weakness feet are…